The Saga of Epic Fail Book 1: Twifail
by Corrupted Lament
Summary: One day, a retarded Necrophile decided to write a book. 498 pages of crap later, Twilight was born from the ashes of good literature. This is the Saga of Epic Fail.


One day, a retarded Necrophile decided to write a book. 498 pages of crap later, Twilight was born from the ashes of good literature.

Without a shred of a doubt, _Twilight_ is a literary FAIL! through and through. Through the course of the literary world, many books have failed, sucked ass whatever you want to call it. Yet, _Twiligh_t blew all of those other Fail! books out of the water. For all you raging fangirls out there, I advise you don't continue reading this manuscript. However, for those of you who have taste and loath _Twilight_ as much as we, I suggest you continue.

**Chapter One: Enter Bella, the self obsessed and (of course) whiny bitch**

They say that the beginning of every book is the start of an epic, wonderful journey. For [Isa]Bella Swan, however, the beginning of her story was not so epic. After leaving her _extremely independent_ mother, Renée, our main protagonist gets off in Forks, Washington. Before we continue on Bella's epic journey on da plane, we have to explain a bit more about her childlike mother, Renée.

Through reasons not touched on in our piece of Fail!, we learn that Bella's mother (Renée) and father (Charlie) got divorced when she was a small problem. Could Charlie have slept with another woman? Was Renée a secret spy sent by the government? Or was Bella just such a retarded bitch from an early age that even her own father hated her?

However, the answer to this epic question may never be known as Mrs. Meyer decided to withhold important information. In the book, Renée is described in minimal detail.

**"My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines."**

However, we have absolutely NO FUCKING clue what Bella looks like.

**"I felt a spasm of panic as I stared into her wide, childlike eyes."**

Not only is her appearance minimal in description, now she sounds absolutely helpless as well. Apparently, according to our bitch-_protagonist, _poor Renée can't live without her precious daughter. Now we introduce Phil, Renée's love interest/husband/fuck buddy. Paul is a 'baseball player' who fell epically in love with a vegetable personality lady. Moving on.

-Enter Forks-

After Bella's epic plane ride, we find her in Port Angeles, a city a ways away from Forks. When Bella removes herself from the plane, she finds herself in the company of Charlie, her father who she never calls father in her mind. Over the next page and a half, Charlie greets her, asks her how her life is and tells her he bought her her very own car, thus saving her money, time and energy. What does our majestic creature do? She doesn't smile and say thank you, no, she instead bashed Forks, whined about her stay and all but told Charlie that she didn't want to be here.

However, if the book is correct, it said that it was her decision to come to Forks. Screwed up much? As we slowly make our way to Bella's new home, we learn a surprising fact about our happy emo main character. She absolutely _hates _anything alive and green.

When she arrives at Charlies humble, never-changing abode, she again mentally remarks on her parents Fail! marriage. Upon seeing her car, however, she instantly falls in love and can imagine her and her car engaged in personal acts of merriment together. Such acts include: crashing into foreign cars, driving off cliffs, getting fattening fast food and, of course, driving around with vampires.

So after Bella unpacks her few belongings, (going commando, I see) she looks out the window at the rainy town of Forks and decides that her emo crying period would have to wait until later that night. Then, she could cry herself to sleep. Isn't she a happy ball of sunshine!?

So, after unsuccessfully crying herself to sleep, our special, emo little snowflake couldn't sleep with the sound of the rain pounding off the roof. Finally, at midnight, she manages to (you're gonna be so amazed) fall asleep.

When she wakes up the next morning she: insults Forks, eats breakfast, tells Da-I mean Charlie good-bye, and then, the ultimate stupid bitch moment, she stares at her father's pictures. Oh noes!!1 Charlie has Bella's _school _pictures! I mean, pictures of naked women Bella can handle, but, pictures of herself!? It's the ultimate evil!

Fast forward. Driving to school, blah, blah, blah. Talking to the office lady, blah, blah, blah. Imagining herself as the center of gossip, blah, blah, blah. So, after getting directions, a map and her schedule, Bella goes to Language Arts and, by the might of the Mary Sue self insert, already knows everything that they're covering. She's like, so smart!!!11

So after having a moral argument with her mother inside her head, Bella meets a gangly boy who she describes as: "gangly boy with skin problems and hair as black as an oil slick."

So after just meeting the boy, she starts mentally bashing him. Wow. Bella is _so _nice. So her day goes on, she meets loads of new people who all just want to be her friend. What does she do? She goes off and stares at the Cullens and their amazing beauty. After a page and a half of the description of Bella's perfect wet dream people, we find that an unnamed member of the Cullen family (coughEdwardcough) is eye raping Bella from across the room.

When Jizz in my Pants/Puke in my Mouth stops playing in Bella's head, Bella recovers from the multiple orgasms that Edward's topaz globes inflicted on her and decides to stare at Edward while listening to one of her classmates ramble on about the Cullens and their schmexyness and Mr and Mrs. Cullens generosity.

During all this, Bella's trying to mimic Edwards epic powers of eye rape, she wonders how she could have ever missed them and their sexy, otherworldly beauty. Again, I threw up my dinner after reading this series of wet dream inducing fantasies. In fact, I'm surprised that Bella _wasn't _leaking fluids from her underside.

So the girl who's name Bella was to lazy/bitchy to remember goes on and on and on about the Cullens. When Bella learns that Edward doesn't date, her heart deflates and she inwardly cuts herself. Instead of crying or something, Bella makes a mental remark on how bitter the girl was towards Edward.

So after the Cullen's leave and Bella ignores the girls who decided to talk to her, she heads to Biology class for an epic meeting of the Vampiric kind.

When she arrives, she finds that all the seats but the one next to Edward is taken. Convenient much? Instead of finding Edward staring at her with love adoration and sexual fantasy, our bitchy MC finds that Edward is a hateful little dick head. N'aw, _really_? She also saw that his eyes were black. Again, more eye descriptions that take up more words and sentences.

So Bella sits next to Edward and she finds that her scent isn't appealing to the cranky, emo vampire boy. He flinches and sits as far away from her as far as his cheap school chair will allow.

During the rest of this lecture (which Bella already magically knows.=O) she pretends to take notes and stares at Edward. Edward was sitting stiffly (I wonder if Bella was imaging what else was stiff) on his seat and not staring at Bella. His hands were all clenched against his leg as if he was taking a constipated crap. During that, Bella is admiring Edwards musckles and wondering how big he is.

After Biology (in which Edward stares harder at Bella) he leaves instantly and leaves Bella horny and loveless. So she meets Mike, a friendly boy who needs a decent fuck and hopes Bella can give it to him. So they talk on their way to gym and find they have a .lot in common. Maybe she should date Mike and not fantasize about Edward, right? No. Mike brings up Edward and Bella is all, lyke, sad and stuffs.

In gym, our Little Bitch (LB for short) is required to take four years of P.E. OH NOES!!11 THE HORAR!!!11111

After Bella's whiny gym escapade, she finds Edward in the office. To make a long, tedious story short, he was trying to get out of Bella's class, got denied, and then left. So once Edward leaves, our LB turns in her signed teacher slip and gives a very convincing lie on her day. By convincing, I mean that a three year old could see through it.

After she gets in her truck, she has an emo moment in which she compares her beat up old car to a little chunk o' Heaven. So, turning on her heater and starting to drive, she fights back the tears of her stressing day and heads home.

Personal responses on this chapter:

I found myself puking at the cliché plot of this chapter. Really. After reading Chapter one of Twifail, I feel I deserve a shot of whiskey and a bullet to the brain. Wish me luck and pray that I don't have an aneurism.


End file.
